Are you setting boundaries or building walls?
In a culture of ghosting, blocking and canceling, we are being taught to shut the world out
Healthy boundaries lead to increased self-esteem, comfort and happiness, reduced stress and anxiety, and better relationships.
But are we actually setting boundaries or putting up barricades?
Walls are designed to keep people out
Ghosting people, blocking people, issuing rigid demands, or making inflexible rules about how others should and shouldn’t behave seem to be increasingly common practices. Unfortunately, these things will of course be necessary sometimes. But surely we’re fooling ourselves if we want to believe they’re examples of empowered, healthy boundaries in action?
To be clear, I’m not saying anything on that list is fundamentally bad or wrong. If you have a reason to be afraid of someone – someone abusive, manipulative, violent or dangerous in other ways – then you need to do whatever you can to keep yourself safe.
Walls – like those mentioned at the beginning of this section – are necessary when you’re under threat or too vulnerable or unstable to do anything else. But if the content on my TikTok and Instagram feeds is anything to go by, drastic and abrupt reactions to the missteps of others seem to be not only common but celebrated and encouraged, too.
I worry that this wall-building culture we’re living in is not strong and healthy so much as dangerous and isolating. I think we’ve started to justify unkind, inflexible behaviour by calling such actions “boundaries”.
Walls vs. boundaries
Let’s define the difference:
Walls are rigid, where boundaries are flexible — including a willingness, at least, to discuss and collaborate.
Walls are about issuing blame, where boundaries are about taking responsibility.
Walls create a place for you to defend yourself and hide, whereas boundary-setting is a vulnerable undertaking that allows you to be seen.
Fear vs. compassion
The key distinction is this:
Walls are build from a place of fear. They’re defensive measures designed to keep the world out. And as a result, too many walls can lead to loneliness, isolation, disconnection, resentment, shame, even more fear, and therefore even more walls.
Healthy boundaries set with friends, partners or colleagues, conversely, are created from a place of love, compassion, empathy and belonging. They are not rules or orders, but rather a way of saying:
“I see you. I hear you. I respect you. And I also respect myself. Here’s how you can do the same.”
Clearly, the type of relationship we’re in and the scale of the boundary breach we’re responding to will impact on whether we need to build a wall or set a boundary. But I believe the world would be a better place if we aimed from the latter more often than not.
Thank you for reading!
We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.
Thank for this clear and helpful explanation Hazel.
You have put me in mind of an Instagram account. Hailey does a great job of clarifying what you have shared in her posts. Your readers might find guidance in her boundary focused posts:
https://www.instagram.com/haileypaigemagee?igshid=YTQwZjQ0NmI0OA==