Do you struggle with self-critical perfectionism? Try this surprising way to silence your inner critic.

And possibly save the world a bit while you’re at it.

Jan 17, 2024

Try these questions on for size:

Do you feel the need to be good at everything you put your mind to, and then beat yourself up when you fall short?
Do you feel tempted to give up if you’re not excellent at something new immediately?
Do you feel particularly sensitive to external criticism, even about the little things that shouldn’t matter?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above, you could be dealing with self-critical perfectionism — a trait characterised by an intense desire to be good at everything; heightened sensitivity to other people’s expectations and perceived judgements; and an inner monologue of vicious self-criticism.

Self-critical perfectionism through the eyes of others

Sadly, this is a common experience — especially (although not exclusively) for women. And if it rings true for you, it’s likely you’re also struggling with the crushing weight of chronic anxiety and stress that other people don’t necessarily see or understand. I say this because surely one of the cruellest and most ironic things about this kind of perfectionism is this:

Such high standards can come across as arrogance or superiority to other people.

Be honest…

Have you ever found yourself infuriated by someone who always seems dissatisfied with their achievements? Someone who can’t take a compliment without pointing out how they could have improved on something? Or who just cares far too much about what other people think of them?

“We don’t see people as they are. We see people as we are.”
― Anaïs Nin, Little Birds

I’m not proud of it, but I have felt annoyed by people like that often. Looking back, however, I can clearly see my projection. I simply couldn’t bear to witness someone else so blatantly displaying the shameful traits I was busy trying to hide.

Projection, not to put too fine a point on it, is a bitch. But it actually gives us an unorthodox way in:

We accept in others what we are able to accept in ourselves. And vice versa.
So what if chose to stop resisting or judging our fellow self-critical perfectionists, and met them with empathy instead?

If you think about it, it’s a win-win

Perfectionism is a coping strategy. As destructive as they might seem, our overactive inner critics are trying to keep us safe from shame and judgement by forcing us to be perfect.

So if we offer open-hearted acceptance to others in this bind, we’re achieving two wonderful things. Not only do we allow them to feel safe enough to make mistakes, explore novelty and stop worrying so much about how they appear to others. We also teach ourselves that those things are okay, for us, too.

Much of our own pain can be healed via our interactions with other people. So surely it’s better to start there than by trying to (perfectly?) “fix” our faulty thinking first?

Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.