Five tricks to journal (or think) your way to a calm, strong and vibrant life

This is how to process and reflect on your feelings without getting swept away

Oct 23, 2024

Last week, I talked about a powerful tool for emotion regulation called self-distancing. This is the ability to take a step back and create some space between yourself and your difficult experiences (plus the related emotions). There is a subtle but potent magic to this skill and in this post, I'm going to share five different ways to self-distance.

But first, a quick note on trauma memories. As explored in more detail in my previous article, the results on self-distancing for trauma and PTSD are mixed, so if you have trauma you'd like to process through expressive writing or otherwise, please do so under the guidance of a therapist or doctor.

With that said, let's dive in. Each of the following can be done mentally, or in writing. I'll leave the choice to you.

Option 1: Self-distance using imagery

Self-distancing option 1 uses visual imagery. If you have aphantasia or find visualisation too hard, there are other options, but I suggest you read on anyway as I'm going to go through a list of helpful questions to ask yourself.

This is pretty much self-explanatory: rather than remembering the event from the first-person perspective (that is, through your own eyes), imagine you're viewing the scene from a few meters away (or further if you need to).

From this self-distanced vantage point, you’ll have access to information you hadn’t considered before, so stay open to the nuances that you would otherwise have missed and take stock of your distant self's body language and facial expressions in response to whatever's going on. If you were speaking at the time, notice the emotion in your voice and consider your choice of words. Observe your behaviours and decisions as if you’re watching someone else making them.

Example:
“When I look back, I can see that I was responding more to the tone of his voice than what he was actually saying. As I listen to him, I look like I’m shrinking. Regressing. It’s like I’m being told off by a teacher at school…”

Importantly, beware of any desire to construct an image that simply compounds your old version of this story. I suggest you keep your mind alive with questions:

What’s the real issue here?
How, exactly, is your distant self responding?
Which emotions are they feeling and how are those emotions being expressed (or not)?
What are they doing that makes things better?
What are they doing that makes things worse?
What else does this situation remind you of? Are there any other associations or memories that come to mind when you view the event in this way?

If you're completing this exercise in writing, remember that the most illuminating details often surface when expressive writing follows a tangent. So, even though you start with a certain event in mind, you don’t have to stay in that scenario. Just make sure that, when switching to secondary memories or topics, you take a moment to self-distance each time.

Option 2: Invite an “important other” into the scene

The perspective of an objective observer or a compassionate, wise or loving other can be enormously powerful.

In the cutest study known to humankind, five-year-olds demonstrated an improved ability to overcome challenges when asked the question, “What would Batman do?” which forced them to view the situation as if through the eyes of someone else – Batman.

Example:
“When I imagine the situation through my teacher’s eyes, I see a frightened child who just doesn’t have the understanding. She feels like she’s the cause of her parents’ arguments and bears a weighty sense of responsibility to set things right. But that little girl is not at fault. I can understand why she’s hurting; her parents are too wrapped up in their own pain to provide her with the support she wants. She needs to know that just because those in her family aren't in a position to show her love doesn’t mean that she’s not worthy of it.”

If you don't want to use a superhero, consider inviting an insightful friend, caring grandparent or an important teacher/mentor into the scene. Pick anyone whose point of view you might benefit from modelling, and then step into their shoes.

Note: I’ve written the above examples to demonstrate the kinds of thought processes that might arise in your writing. When you apply these techniques to real-life problems, you needn’t try to resolve things so quickly or fully. Expect some messiness. In fact, welcome it, because the tangles are where the insights hide. Just be careful not to get caught inside them.

Option 3: Avoid the pronoun “I”

You can self-distance by writing or talking to yourself using the word “you” or your name rather than “I” or “me” — a little like writing yourself a letter, or giving verbal advice to a friend.

Example (second-person pronouns):
“You’re feeling pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. You feel like there’s no option but to comply, but is this really the case?”

Example (third-person pronouns):
“James is nervous about the recital. When he imagines the audience’s eyes on him, a shock of adrenaline rushes through his chest and throat, restricting his breathing and preventing him from speaking. He tries to push the dark thoughts out of his mind, but memories of all the times when he’s frozen on stage keep flooding in…”

You can also use third-person pronouns such as “they”, “she”, “he”, any neopronouns you like, or, again, your own name. This option is a bit like telling a story about yourself.

This technique may be most effective for anyone who thinks in an internal voice – and it’s worth saying that we don't all do this. I definitely do.

In a terrifying study on social anxiety, a group of students were told that they were going to be judged by a panel on their ability to make a good impression on a member of the opposite sex. The aim was to induce stress, in which I'm sure they succeeded.

Before the judging, they were asked to reflect on their nerves using either first-person pronouns – "I am feeling nervous because…" – or non-first-person pronouns – "You are feeling nervous…" or "They, she, he… is feeling nervous".

Ultimately, not only did the judges rate the performances of those in the non-first-person group to be better overall, but those participants also reported significantly lower levels of anxiety when interviewed after the interaction.

So, if you’re struggling with the pressure of a scary date or interview or whatever, pausing to reflect on your inner experience in either the second- or third-person could be a good — if a little odd-seeming — idea.

Option 4: Focus on your future self

When thinking or writing about a challenge in your present day life, ask yourself the question, “How will I feel about this in a week, month or five year’s time?” (Pick whichever amount of time feels right for your challenge.)

Example:
“When I look back on this competition from one month afterwards, I can see that this is just another race. It feels important now, and I’m coming up with rationalisations to convince myself that this meet means more than all the others. But really it’s just another step on my journey. Win or lose, competing at this event will teach me how to nail down my game plan. If I take things step by step now, I’ll learn more about what works and what doesn’t.”

By imagining looking back on the event – as if we've already lived through it – we draw to our attention the impermanence of our current situation. This is a powerful thing.

Moreover, creating the space temporally also prompts us to consider the actions we might take to overcome the challenge, as well as the growth opportunities it will most likely provide.

Option 5: Using (another) narrative

Finally, for a more immersive experience, option 5 is to self-distance through story.

In a way, we take a remote look at how life’s challenges affect us whenever we throw ourselves into fiction — from the safe remove of our armchair, we follow the protagonist’s journey, at once projecting ourselves into their place while simultaneously observing their plight from the outside. This is particularly dear to my heart as it's the theory that inspired us to develop Betwixt.

You can more directly and obviously apply storytelling to your own mental health, too, by casting yourself as the lead character of a narrative about real or imagined events. If you do this, I'd recommend getting creative about your character rather than trying to faithfully describe your life – it can be really interesting to see what floats up out of the shadow when you allow yourself a little poetic licence.

A final note on emotion

So, that's it – five different ways to self-distance.

No matter which you choose when you do this, spend time searching for the words that really resonate with your emotional experience. Just because you’re creating space, doesn’t mean you won’t be able to feel. Quite the opposite, in fact. This perspective can potentially facilitate a more complete emotional experience by reducing the urge to resist or deny your feelings – it enables the bravery and compassion required to get your whole truth down on the page, rather than the convenient or easy version of events, or the one that casts you not as the protagonist, but as the helpless victim.

In other words, self-distanced writing teaches you on paper how to live your off-paper life in the way that can yield the most happiness, success and inspiration. It may not be for the faint-hearted, but it may be one of the best routes towards a wholehearted connection to the Self, the Other and everything in-between.

Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.