Have you ever had a mad crush on a teacher (or a student)?

This is what was actually going on there, and it ain't great

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Many moons ago, I did a degree in Fine Art. I became so obsessed with my theoretical thesis in the third year that I almost lost myself to it and to the tutor who helped me write it. This man and I spent long sessions together, poring over the theory and developing a tangible connection. 

A couple of weeks after graduation I bumped into him at an exhibition in some dingy warehouse in Dalston. We chatted and, when the show closed, made our way to a 24-hour pool bar called Effies, got drunk, played pool and had a good night… but I had that creeping feeling that I think lots of women my age know all too well. In other words, I was wondering if it had got to the point where I wouldn't feel allowed to say no if he made a move.

Libido: the shapeshifting energy

Fast forward 15 years and, studying to be a therapist, I come across the Jungian description of libido, which we most commonly speak of as the sex drive. However, in Jungian terms, libido refers to a much more general type of desiring or craving energy, so libidinal energy can be sexual, or it can be about creativity, or even just about being productive and making things happen. 

Here's the key thing: we don't always know what our libidinal energy is actually based on, or where it's coming from. It's common, for example, for two colleagues to feel sexually drawn to one another while working intensely on a project together, but if they start dating as a result – or worse, if they're married, start an affair – they can find themselves totally nonplussed a little while later, when the project wraps up, and they can't remember what on Earth they ever saw in each other. Because the energy they got swept away with – their desire – wasn't actually about each other; it was about the project. 

Carol S. Pearson talks about this in "Awakening the Heroes Within":

"Love is about joy and pleasure, and it is also about birthing. On the most psychical level, sexual passion often results in the conception and birth of a child. But it is not just psychical birthing that sex creates. Eros often attends the creative process."

– Carol S. Pearson, "Awakening the Heroes Within"

"Eros" she warns us, "often attends the creative process," and even more damagingly, is also present in "primary mentoring relationships between an older, more powerful person and a younger, relatively less empowered person." This can be catastrophic for a number of reasons – first, the less powerful person may well submit to the mentor's advances simply because they feel they can't say 'no' (that's what I was talking about earlier), but even if they think they want to act on that feeling of lust, doing so will short-circuit or divert the energy that should be channelled into their growth.

"The child of this erotic bond," says Pearson, "should be a new sense of Self (rebirth) for the person being mentored." The result of acting out sexually is to curb, or completely suspend, the growth process.

So… back to my tutor. I have two things to be thankful for – first, that this drunken encounter only happened after graduation, when my process of growth and my thesis were complete. And the second that his friend, who was with us in the cab home, was sensible enough to drag him back to the car when he tried to follow me into my flat. If he hadn't, I don't know what would have happened that night. But I know I would have regretted it. And so would he, I'm sure. 

I never saw him again after that night, but even though nothing happened, I've always felt that it sullied an otherwise amazing experience of writing that thesis. Now I know why. 

Have you ever been in a situation like this? If so, tell me about it in the comments.

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Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.

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