The attack-defend cycle

How to disagree better and save your relationships

Most communication issues can be boiled down to a simple logic: one person attacks, and the other person defends themselves. So when you're talking with someone, and you notice they start becoming defensive, it’s likely because they felt attacked in some way.

Similarly, attacking can also be a form of defense. Meaning if somebody suddenly starts attacking you, there's a chance you might have said something that triggered a defensive reaction.

In these cases, the worst thing to do is to attack back and defend yourself, because things will just escalate and spiral into a big fight that no one wants to resolve as it would feel like backing down.

So, what should you do instead?

Assume positive intent

When you catch yourself feeling resentful, bitter or angry with someone, stop for a moment and assume positive intent instead. Ultimately, there are a million reasons why people – even the ones we love the most – can act like complete nob-ends every now and then. And 99 times out of 100, their reasons have little (if anything) to do with us. 

Maybe they haven’t slept or work/kids/boss/friends/the economy is stressing them out. Maybe something you said reminded them of past pain and they're now struggling to keep their head above water. Maybe they just found a fly in their soup and are still recovering from the cosmic injustice of it all. 

Rather than asking yourself "Why are they doing this to me??", try this:
"What is the most generous interpretation of this behaviour?"

Address the tension to create a safe space

The best thing to do is to step back and clear the tension first, so you can create a safe space to discuss the actual issues that matter. Ask yourself:

What is triggering a defensive reaction in you and what are you doing or saying that the other person might be interpreting in a way that triggers them to get defensive? 

If you can – and I know this can feel vulnerable – share your hunches with the other side to clear the air. You can say something like “I notice that there’s a tension between us that’s getting in the way of talking. Do you feel it as well? For example, I see myself feeling defensive when you say X and I wonder if there’s something I’m saying or doing that’s also making you feel defensive?”

These kinds of conversations can be difficult to initiate, especially if you're feeling defensive, so remember that it's perfectly okay to take some time out to calm down and think before coming back to reopen the discussion when you feel ready for it. Sometimes the best thing you can do in the moment is to resist doing anything. 

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Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.

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