The five faces of stress

Who do you turn into under pressure and how to take control

Mar 20, 2024

When the pressure is on, how do you tend to behave? Most of us have habitual ways of responding to stress and identifying your patterns can help you understand your key strengths as well as weaknesses, blindspots and ways to manage them.

I'm sharing an overview of the five most common types – known, in Transactional Analysis, as Drivers – so you can see which click for you. You might recognise friends or family members in here, too.

The theory of Drivers

Each of the following describes a grouping of behaviours, values and personality traits, which tend to develop early in life, based on what we learn, from our parents and teachers, will help us to feel safe. We essentially take on a persistent, unconscious belief that tells us:

I'm ONLY okay, if I… (and your driver will fill in the blank)

Here are the five options.

Be Perfect

"I'm only okay if I'm getting things right"

If you have a strong Be Perfect driver, you'll be motivated to strive for excellence and perfection. You'll value accuracy, precision and getting things right. You may be a high achiever, but you're also likely to set unrealistic standards, both for yourself and others, and to feel dissatisfied when these are not met. And you might be the type to miss deadlines because you're too busy chasing perfection. If you've played our game Betwixt, you'll know this driver as the Striver character type – that's the one with laser vision.

Likely stressors
Watch out for the likely Be Perfect stress triggers, which include loss of control, other people's apparently "low standards" or illogical behaviour, failure, and the threat of being seen to be wrong.

Stress behaviours
For Be Perfect, stress behaviours include becoming single-minded, overly goal-oriented, controlling, and discounting the work or opinions of others in favour of doing it all yourself, because you struggle to trust other people to get things right.

Taking control of your driver
Does this sound like you or anyone else you know? If so, the key thing to remember is that drivers fire up when we're under pressure. So if you recognise this pattern in yourself or anyone else, it's best to cut a little slack. Getting frustrated with these traits will only cause more stress and therefore fire the driver up even more strongly.

Instead, for your own driver, learn to spot the signs by knowing your stressors and stress behaviours. This way you can catch Be Perfect when it activates and take a step back to assess your goals. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and that's absolutely okay.

You might also want to reconsider the word "perfect" and choose a more functional definition, such as "good enough for the purpose" or "good enough for right now".

If you notice Be Perfect activity in someone else, it might help to gently remind them what would be "good enough" in the current circumstances, and to give them space to express their concerns and talk them through logically, rather than shooting down their unrealistic expectations.

Hurry Up

"I'm only okay if I'm getting things done quickly"

If you have a strong Hurry Up driver, you'll be all about speed. You'll value efficiency, responsiveness and the ability to multitask, and you'll often race through tasks much faster than others. But you may also be the type who cuts corners, makes mistakes in haste, struggles with impatience, or finds it hard to stop and smell the roses. In Betwixt, you'll know this driver as the Sprinter character type – that's the one that can split itself into multiple parts so it can be in more than one place at once.

Likely stressors
Watch out for the likely stressors for this driver, which include having nothing to do or too much time to think, the feeling of a deadline looming, and perceiving others to be dawdling or slow.

Stress behaviour
The stress behaviours for Hurry Up include being frantic, rushing, arriving late or leaving early, and making or missing errors in haste.

Taking control of your driver
The best way to respond to the Hurry Up driver is to learn to recognise its stressors and stress behaviours. This way you can catch it early enough and take a step back to look at the bigger picture. Do you ACTUALLY need to meet that deadline immediately, or is it one you've imposed on yourself?

If you notice Hurry Up in someone else, it might help to remind them that it's okay to slow down or take some time out to think. If they're being stressfully frantic and rushing you, try to empathise rather than take it personally, and help them to calm down before challenging their assumptions about timelines.

Please Others

"I'm only okay if everyone else is happy"

If you have a strong Please Others driver, you'll be driven to fix things and help others. You'll hold values such as consideration, kindness, service and compassion, and you can be a great friend and co-worker. However, you're also likely to struggle with setting healthy boundaries, asking for your needs to be met and putting yourself first. If you've played our game Betwixt, you'll know this driver as the Carer character type – that's the one that can read the minds and feelings of all living things.

Likely stressors
Watch out for the likely stress triggers, which include being ignored or criticised, the threat of conflict, and the fear of disapproval.

Stress behaviours
In those kinds of situations, you may notice stress behaviours such as becoming increasingly emotional, struggling to respond to requests to "be logical", finding it even harder to say 'no', and an increased urge to "rescue" people.

Taking control of your driver
If you notice that you’re under the spell of the Please Others driver, take a step back to check in with yourself. What would happen if you chose to fix your own oxygen mask before rushing to the aid of others?

The answer is that you'll be able to breathe… and a breathing human being is usually more effective than a suffocating one.

If you notice Please Others activity in someone else, it might help to talk to them about what they need. Make sure they know they're allowed to say 'no', and that they don't have to take on absolutely all the responsibility.

Try Hard

"I'm only okay if I'm putting in a lot of effort"

With a strong Try Hard driver, you'll be driven to endeavour, endure and work hard. You'll value things like persistence, patience and effort, and you can probably get a ton done when you put your mind to it. If you're really honest with yourself, you might notice a habit of talking about how hard things can be, or how busy you are… And you’d be right because people with strong Try Hard drivers are more likely to overcommit and/or overcomplicate tasks, becoming increasingly prone to burnout as a result.

Likely stressors
The likely stressors for the Work Hard driver include being criticised for not caring or not trying hard, being called irresponsible, being given mundane or routine tasks, and seeing laziness or irresponsibility in others. In Betwixt, this driver shows up as the Worker character type – that's the one that can build impossible structures in the blink of an eye.

Stress behaviours
In those situations, you might notice the most common Try Hard stress behaviours: ramping up the effort but not actually getting much more done, feeling overwhelmed by your workload, and making promises you can't keep.

Taking control of your driver
If this sounds like you, take a step back or have a conversation that can help you to release some of the pressure before carrying on. And if you notice Try Hard activity in someone else, try to empathise. It might help to talk to them about which of their tasks actually need to be done, and which can be saved for later. See if you can help them to de-stress and get back to their usual selves.

Be Strong

"I'm only okay if I don't show my emotions"

Finally, if you have a high-level Be Strong driver, you'll be driven to appear stoic and calm under pressure. You'll likely value courage, leadership and cool-headedness, and you may well be great in a crises. But you're also likely to find it really hard to ask for help, express your emotions or tolerate what you see as neediness in others. In Betwixt, this driver is represented in the Rock character type, the one that can transform into a giant golem-type creature.

Likely stressors
Watch out for likely stress triggers for Be Strong, which include the fear of being seen as vulnerable or needy, being expected to disclose personal information, and the threat of failing to cope.

Stress behaviours
And you'll want to look out for the stress behaviors, too. For Be Strong, these include withdrawing, withholding information, becoming quiet and self-critical – essentially shutting down and clamming up.

Taking control of your driver
When you recognise the telltale signs of the Be Strong driver starting to take over, take a step back to reconnect with yourself. Remember that every one of your emotions is okay, none is a sign of weakness and you're allowed to take your time to work out how to speak to other people about them.

If you notice Be Strong activity in someone else, it might help to gently remind them that it's okay to say how they're feeling, but be prepared to give them space and time to do this. Let them know that you're there for them when they're ready.

Which Driver resonates most strongly for you?

You’re likely to identify with more than one, but if you want to work on this, it's best to take your drivers one at a time. Let me know in the comments!

Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.