A glimpse of the real you

How to journal for clarity, closure and change

Magic happens when we engage with our inner worlds from a place of curiosity rather than fear. All those tangles of anxiety, doubt, resentment can unravel when pen meets paper in the spirit of self-reflection. Carefully chosen words can ease pain, but there’s a trick to writing in a way that brings about positive change, and we don’t all do it naturally. Some people worsen their problems after writing about their darker experiences. If we engage with past pain in the wrong way, it can harm rather than heal.

In this article, I’ll share with you the mechanism of effective expressive writing. Whether you’re already a writer or want to begin a new practice of self-introspection, here’s what you need to know to reap the rewards rather than run the risk of compounding your emotional issues.

What is expressive writing?

It’s important to clarify here that I’m not talking about writing in general or writing for publication, but writing as a therapeutic tool for developing self-awareness, self-compassion and self-command.

I’ve been tasking my therapy clients with writing projects for years; those who engage make changes faster. They demonstrate increased courage, better interpersonal skills and they get more adept at both expressing and experiencing their emotions healthily. The price to pay for these gains is minimal. Some people make considerable leaps after composing just one or two important pieces.

How to write

Expressive writing is communication at its freest. This practice pays no regard to writing conventions like spelling, grammar or punctuation. There is no character-limit nor preferred style. The only rule is that the words be authentic, emotional and, of course, expressive.

While writing, most people focus on specific events: trauma, heartbreak, conflict, failure, childhood memories. But what they write is less about the events than about their response to these events. The most effective expressive writing creates connections. It links happenings from the past and present with future projections. It explores the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that repeat over the course of our lives. This “big picture” approach helps to develop a wider web of self-understanding and a deeper awareness of the meaning that we can take from our struggles.

It’s not about finding The Answer: “I do X because Y happened to me as a child”. It’s more about observing the associations made by the mind as they appear on the page. When we write in this way, we simply follow the stream of consciousness as it flows, with one intention: to expand self-awareness, not pigeonhole our experience. Curiosity is key.

People who engage in an ongoing practice of expressive writing learn how to catch themselves mid-panic, mid-outburst or while in the grip of a destructive habit. More importantly, they learn how to take a step back at those times. The awareness developed by the practice opens up valuable windows of opportunity, within which we can take different action. It’s as if a lightbulb flickers on and we find ourselves thinking, “Wait. This is the story that I always tell when things get tough. This is my pattern”.

Ready awareness of the scripts used by our inner critics is invaluable. Only when we know that something is a pattern, can we recognise that it likely isn’t an accurate reflection of the present-moment reality. Without this awareness, however, our limiting stories feel like truth every time they crop up. We need to know our monsters in order to know that they are made of fiction.

Seeing yourself from a distance

However, not just any writing will do. It’s only by learning how to engage in the correct type of expressive writing that we can use it to open up a new and better perspective on the world. The difference comes by way of self-distancing.

Write as if you’re locked into your story, and you may write yourself into a place of increased rumination and anxiety. Write from a place where you can see the bigger picture, however, and you may improve your emotional and physical health as well as let go of negative behaviours and habits.

In 2017, researchers Ethan Kross and Ozlem Ayduk published extensive research on two modes of self-reflection and their effects. They found that when people reflect on an upsetting situation, they often become immersed in it, reliving what happened, and feeling even more distressed as a result. By contrast, when people learn to take a mental step back — to self-distance, as they called it — they are able to work through their emotions constructively and move on, rather than get stuck in negative thought cycles.

What’s the difference between self-immersed and self-distanced writing?

People who self-distance when they write about their challenges focus less on recounting distressing experiences and more on reconstruing them in a way that provides insight and closure. The difference looks like this:

Self-immersive
To write from a self-immersed position is to relive the event, seeing through our own eyes and feeling our emotions all over again.

Self-distanced
To write from a self-distanced position is to create the space for objective assessment. We may imagine that we can view a past event as if we are a fly on the wall, or as an adult seeing a younger version of ourselves going through whatever we have. To self-distance is to adopt the wisdom of an unbiased or compassionate observer in relation to our own story, and to use that perspective to re-write it.

Why is self-distancing so important?

Seminal discoveries in neuroscience suggest that reliving painful experiences in an immersive way can compound negative emotions. Rather than bringing about a cathartic release, rehashing past pain can stack new layers of negative affect over the original imprint, making the memory feel worse and its effects more damaging.

Self-distanced reflection, on the other hand, has demonstrated significant benefits in research studies, including decreases in anxiety, resentment, guilt, stress and depression. It is, in fact, less of a writing technique and more of a tool you can use in your self-talk or in a conversation to reap the same rewards.

Four ways to practice self-distancing

Thankfully, there are many ways to self-distance and they’re easily learned. As we’re focusing on writing in this article, that’s how I’ll frame the techniques; however, feel free to use them even when you don’t have access to a pen or keypad.

Option 1: Self-distance using imagery

If you’re someone who likes to think in a visual way, you can create the space required within your visualisation. Rather than remembering an event from the first-person perspective, view yourself experiencing it as if you are the proverbial fly on the wall.

Pay attention to your body language and facial expressions. If you were speaking at the time, notice the emotion in your voice and consider your choice of words. Observe your behaviours and decisions as if you’re watching someone else making them.

From the self-distanced vantage point, you’ll have access to information you hadn’t considered before. Stay open to the nuances that you would otherwise have missed. Keep your mind alive with questions:

• What’s the real issue here?

• Why is this person (you) responding in that way?

Option 2: Invite an “important other” into the scene

The perspective of an objective (or compassionate, wise) observer can be enormously powerful. Consider inviting an insightful friend, a caring grandparent or an important mentor into the scene. Pick anyone whose point of view you might benefit from modelling, and then step into their shoes.

Option 3: Avoid using the pronoun “I”

You can self-distance by writing to yourself using the word “you” rather than “I” or “me” — a little like writing yourself a letter. In doing this, you can offer the kind of advice you may give a friend, and you can raise the questions you really need to answer.

Example:

“You’re feeling pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. You feel like there’s no option but to comply, but is this really the case?”

You can also use third-person pronouns such as “they”, “she”, or “he” (or your own name) as if you’re writing a story about yourself.

Example:

“James is nervous about the recital. When he imagines the audience’s eyes on him, a shock of adrenaline rushes through his chest and throat, restricting his breathing and preventing him from speaking. He tries to push the dark thoughts out of his mind, but memories of all the times when he’s frozen on stage keep flooding in…”

This technique may be the most effective when adopting a self-distanced perspective in your self-talk (i.e. in thought rather than writing). If you’re struggling with the pressure of an imminent event, pausing to reflect on your inner experience in either the second- or third-person could be a good  (if a little odd-seeming )  idea.

Option 4: Focus on your future self

Finally, while writing about a challenge in your present day life, asking yourself the question, “How will I feel about this in a week/month/five year’s time?” can create the required distance temporally. By imagining looking back on the event, rather than viewing it from deep inside the emotional fog, we draw to our attention the impermanence of our current situation. This is a powerful thing. Creating the space temporally also prompts us to consider the actions we might take to overcome the challenge, as well as the growth opportunities it will most likely provide.

Keeping it beautiful

Whenever you take a step back, spend time searching for the words that really resonate with your emotional experience. Just because you’re creating space, doesn’t mean you won’t be able to feel. Quite the opposite, in fact. This perspective facilitates a more complete emotional experience by reducing the urge to resist. It enables the bravery and compassion required to get your whole truth down on the page, rather than the convenient, easy or the (possibly most damaging) self-pitying version of events.

This work can be challenging. When you write about difficult things, you may need to navigate all sorts of unconscious opposition: fear, anger, resentment, dissociation, procrastination or even sudden and unexpected sleepiness. It can be a battle, but it’s more than worth it. What you end up with is writing that expresses and permits your vulnerability as well as your courage to create meaning and change. It allows you to be honest about your emotions without allowing them to drown you. It means you can write from the heart without getting lost inside it.

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Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.

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