Reading this (really excellent!) article, I am immediately reminded of a different form of expression: tattoos. As these have become mainstream, you see more and more sleeve tattoos, intricate patterns, beauty expressed in body art. Of course, that's a far more acceptable way for men to be beautiful, because it also involves the endurance of pain - a 'tough guy' expression of beauty.
As for myself, I keep circling this issue time and again. Most of the time my looks are there to blend - plain, mostly dark clothing. But then there is the coat I made - ankle length, entirely made up of patches of various cloth. The most colourful thing I own, made as a joke and a comment on people's clothing choices in the pagan world, but when worn will get loads of compliments - it took a lot of time and effort making it. Same with the physical - currently once again in a stage of losing weight (and waist) and with that, contemplating a change of wardrobe.
It's good to be aware of these things, so I can make more informed choices instead of trying to tie self improvement to who I am as a person, as well as my self-worth.
Oh, yes! I should have included tattoos in this piece (a painful brand of beauty that can therefore still be seen as masculine — what an excellent point).
And I love the sound of your coat. Thank you for that image.
Thanks so much for the article. It was excellent, and I truly enjoyed reading it.
As a self-diagnosed "covert narcissist" who is very well aware of the fact that I've been playing a role (and feeling like an imposter) for much of my life, it was very interesting to consider that we're all playing the same game of "dress up" - it's simply that some of us are more aware of what we're doing than others. And while knowing it's all a game might seem like a good thing, it's generally a cold comfort. Knowing what I know doesn't make me happier. If anything, it's depressing. Most of the time, I just envy others who seem so comfortable "cosplaying" life - so comfortable, in fact (or perhaps just convincing?) that they seem not to realize that we're all just participants in an elaborate costume ball at all. Honestly? I remember seeing "The Matrix" back in '99 and wondering why the hell, if given the choice, anyone would take the Red Pill. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow. Am I really the only one in the audience who would choose the comfort of the Blue Pill every time?" Since then, I've considered that maybe - just maybe - everybody SAID they'd take the Red Pill because it was "cool" and "brave" and of course we'd all love to be able to fly and instantly become a Kung Fu master like oh so handsome Neo. But deep down? I suspect many of us would go for the comfort and ease of the Blue Pill if no one was looking. After all, freedom is terribly frightening and comes with a great deal of responsibility. And although there are legions of ambitious go-getters chasing money and status in this world, isn't the entire rat race to the "top" (whatever that is) ultimately just another performance? How many ridiculously good looking, rich, "successful" people do we read about - almost daily, it seems - who are lost, lonely and utterly miserable? I suppose it's because even those who are blessed with a trust fund, high cheek bones and a marketable hobby realize, once they're "living the dream", that that's exactly what it always was - a dream. A fantasy sold to them by society. Beauty fades. Money is spent. We all die. And as the saying goes, "You can't take it with you". So I suppose the moral of the story is: Just do you, and act like nobody's watching - because they most likely aren't.
I wholeheartedly agree with all of this. And I think people take the Blue Pill all the damn time: refusing to acknowledge the suffering of others (both close and distant); ignoring their gut instinct; taking the job that offers money rather than the one that promises joy… The list goes on. The Red Pill is a jagged one, for sure.
This is my favourite post of yours in a while. My husband’s fav colour is pink and 10yrs ago he got teased for wearing pink shirts at work. Fortunately that’s part has changed now but he still finds wearing suits every day very restricting - though he likes them on days where he wants/needs a a more authoritative air (eg presenting or teaching).
I enjoy getting my nails or hair done or when I put little more effort into my appearance, but I do find it tiring and I don’t want to be doing the beauty thing every day. I resent feeling like it’s something I need to do. And I think it’s awful that cosmetic procedures are being sold as maintenance to women.
Thanks so much for this take, I think it’s brilliant.
I’m so glad you enjoyed this article. It felt important to me too.
Yes, I agree re the burden of maintaining beauty. I rarely wear makeup these days, but I suppose I do like to wear clothes I find beautiful (even if those clothes are often just black jeans, a necklace over my t-shirt and a favourite pair of socks, I do like to see myself in the mirror a certain way).
I’m sorry your husband feels he has to wear clothes he doesn’t like in order to appear authoritative 😔
Thank you for capturing and expressing a profound, significant (and for me, novel) element of gendered norms. Can't wait for my cis, hetero son with the most luscious fashion sense to read this and feel empowered to proudly continue embracing his beautiful sense of self expression, and undoubtedly also add fuel to his inner fire that drives him to challenge gendered norms by expressing his authentic self while delightedly biting his thumb to any critiques
Reading this (really excellent!) article, I am immediately reminded of a different form of expression: tattoos. As these have become mainstream, you see more and more sleeve tattoos, intricate patterns, beauty expressed in body art. Of course, that's a far more acceptable way for men to be beautiful, because it also involves the endurance of pain - a 'tough guy' expression of beauty.
As for myself, I keep circling this issue time and again. Most of the time my looks are there to blend - plain, mostly dark clothing. But then there is the coat I made - ankle length, entirely made up of patches of various cloth. The most colourful thing I own, made as a joke and a comment on people's clothing choices in the pagan world, but when worn will get loads of compliments - it took a lot of time and effort making it. Same with the physical - currently once again in a stage of losing weight (and waist) and with that, contemplating a change of wardrobe.
It's good to be aware of these things, so I can make more informed choices instead of trying to tie self improvement to who I am as a person, as well as my self-worth.
Oh, yes! I should have included tattoos in this piece (a painful brand of beauty that can therefore still be seen as masculine — what an excellent point).
And I love the sound of your coat. Thank you for that image.
Thanks so much for the article. It was excellent, and I truly enjoyed reading it.
As a self-diagnosed "covert narcissist" who is very well aware of the fact that I've been playing a role (and feeling like an imposter) for much of my life, it was very interesting to consider that we're all playing the same game of "dress up" - it's simply that some of us are more aware of what we're doing than others. And while knowing it's all a game might seem like a good thing, it's generally a cold comfort. Knowing what I know doesn't make me happier. If anything, it's depressing. Most of the time, I just envy others who seem so comfortable "cosplaying" life - so comfortable, in fact (or perhaps just convincing?) that they seem not to realize that we're all just participants in an elaborate costume ball at all. Honestly? I remember seeing "The Matrix" back in '99 and wondering why the hell, if given the choice, anyone would take the Red Pill. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow. Am I really the only one in the audience who would choose the comfort of the Blue Pill every time?" Since then, I've considered that maybe - just maybe - everybody SAID they'd take the Red Pill because it was "cool" and "brave" and of course we'd all love to be able to fly and instantly become a Kung Fu master like oh so handsome Neo. But deep down? I suspect many of us would go for the comfort and ease of the Blue Pill if no one was looking. After all, freedom is terribly frightening and comes with a great deal of responsibility. And although there are legions of ambitious go-getters chasing money and status in this world, isn't the entire rat race to the "top" (whatever that is) ultimately just another performance? How many ridiculously good looking, rich, "successful" people do we read about - almost daily, it seems - who are lost, lonely and utterly miserable? I suppose it's because even those who are blessed with a trust fund, high cheek bones and a marketable hobby realize, once they're "living the dream", that that's exactly what it always was - a dream. A fantasy sold to them by society. Beauty fades. Money is spent. We all die. And as the saying goes, "You can't take it with you". So I suppose the moral of the story is: Just do you, and act like nobody's watching - because they most likely aren't.
I wholeheartedly agree with all of this. And I think people take the Blue Pill all the damn time: refusing to acknowledge the suffering of others (both close and distant); ignoring their gut instinct; taking the job that offers money rather than the one that promises joy… The list goes on. The Red Pill is a jagged one, for sure.
This is my favourite post of yours in a while. My husband’s fav colour is pink and 10yrs ago he got teased for wearing pink shirts at work. Fortunately that’s part has changed now but he still finds wearing suits every day very restricting - though he likes them on days where he wants/needs a a more authoritative air (eg presenting or teaching).
I enjoy getting my nails or hair done or when I put little more effort into my appearance, but I do find it tiring and I don’t want to be doing the beauty thing every day. I resent feeling like it’s something I need to do. And I think it’s awful that cosmetic procedures are being sold as maintenance to women.
Thanks so much for this take, I think it’s brilliant.
I’m so glad you enjoyed this article. It felt important to me too.
Yes, I agree re the burden of maintaining beauty. I rarely wear makeup these days, but I suppose I do like to wear clothes I find beautiful (even if those clothes are often just black jeans, a necklace over my t-shirt and a favourite pair of socks, I do like to see myself in the mirror a certain way).
I’m sorry your husband feels he has to wear clothes he doesn’t like in order to appear authoritative 😔
Thank you for capturing and expressing a profound, significant (and for me, novel) element of gendered norms. Can't wait for my cis, hetero son with the most luscious fashion sense to read this and feel empowered to proudly continue embracing his beautiful sense of self expression, and undoubtedly also add fuel to his inner fire that drives him to challenge gendered norms by expressing his authentic self while delightedly biting his thumb to any critiques