Are you actually self-aware?

Spoiler: probably not.

Dec 06, 2023

According to Dr. Tasha Eurich, when it comes to self-awareness, there are two types of people:

Those who think they are self-aware and those who actually are.

Eurich was being facetious when she made that remark in her 2017 TED talk, but it’s not far from the truth. Data collected by her Harvard-based research team found that around 95% of people believe they see themselves pretty clearly. In reality, though, only 10 to 15% of people — dubbed “self-awareness unicorns” on account of their rareness — actually pass the test.

Ouch.

So are you a unicorn?

Proving that you meet Eurich’s stringent criteria for self-awareness is not a work of moments. It would require both you and someone who knows you to undergo a series of in-depth interviews. Clearly, we can’t replicate that here. However, there could be a clue for you in the kind of introspective pondering you do when you hit a stumbling block.

Let me ask you this: if you were trying to get clear on one of your thoughts, feelings, reactions or choices, what kind of question do you think you’d ask yourself?

Most people start with “why?”

We wonder…

“Why do I feel this way?”
“Why did I say that?”
“Why aren’t I happy in my relationship?”
“Why is honesty so important to me?”

We ask “Why?” to find the truth. But the problem is that, when it comes to personal questions, “Why?” tends to lead us in the other direction entirely. Instead of gaining clarity, we’re more likely to tumble down a series of introspective rabbit holes made of rationalisations and confabulations.

In other words, we make up the answers to our “Why?” questions. Anything plausible will do. And to make matters worse, then we stress over the things we just made up.

“Why X?”
“Maybe Y…”
“BUT WHY Y???”

The unicorn way

So if “Why?” doesn’t help, then how are we supposed to solve personal problems and learn about ourselves?

According to transcripts of interviews conducted with both unicorns and non-unicorns, the 10–15% of people who actually qualify as self-aware rarely use the word “why” when introspecting. Instead, they use the word “what”.

For example, when struggling with a relationship, instead of asking “Why am I not getting on with my partner?” a self-awareness unicorn might ask “What do I need to do differently to improve this relationship?”

Rather than “Why am I not satisfied with my job?” they might ask questions like:

“What’s important to me about my work?”
“What do I find the most enjoyable or meaningful?”
“What can I do to bring those things to the forefront?”

Or, when trying to work through an emotional problem like anxiety, instead of “Why am I anxious?”, they may ask “What are the specific contexts in my life that trigger this anxiety, and what do those things have in common?”

Asking “What?” leads us toward fact, practical detail, and specificity – highly useful when trying to solve a problem. But most beautifully, it implies and encourages action.

“What?” gets us to do things differently — to change things about ourselves and the type of world we build around us.

Could this mean that self-awareness unicorns are doers? I expect so, yes. And I think the likes of Thomas Jefferson might agree. Here’s a quote to see you on your way:

“Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you.”

Your turn: Reframe your whys into whats

Did this post resonate? Let me know in the comments! If there were one “why” question in your life right now that you could reframe into a “what” question, which would that be? What would you gain by reframing it in this way?

Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.