This story will change the way you think about your friends

The three colours of friendship and why you have to get rid of yellow

Ten years ago, one of my best friends cut me out of her life completely. This was someone I’d known for over two decades and I didn’t even get a breakup chat. She just disappeared. And I spiraled into a world of self-doubt, questioning everything about myself and our relationship in the hope that I could find a reason.

I didn’t find a reason, though. I still haven’t, really. But I no longer care, and the story I’m about to share is why.

When this first happened, I told my therapist about it. During one session, she leaned forward in her chair, fixed me with her knowing gaze, and said: I think it’s time I told you a story.

There are only three colours in this world, she told me. Green, orange and yellow. And only when you are being fully, wholeheartedly and unapologetically yourself will you know the people who are green for you.

Green

Green understand you. They might share your passions, they might admire your principles. But most importantly, they’ll cheer you on until the end of time because you choose to be your unrestricted, authentic self.

And they like that person.

Orange

But there’s a catch, of course. When you dare to give up the temptation to censor yourself in order to fit in, you’ll also expose — highlight, actually — the people who aren’t on your team. Orange have different values, passions, interests and views, and they are not going to cheer you on.

You don’t have to hang around with these people, of course. Why would you want to? But orange are inevitable when you choose to be green for yourself.

Then there’s yellow

Yellow are the type of people you stay friends with because you kinda think you should. Maybe you’ve known them a long time and don’t feel you have a choice. Maybe they come with some kind of perk — they make things easier for you or offer the type of status you don’t feel you’d have alone.

A yellow friend is the kind of buddy who’d invite you to the party just to make up the numbers.

Someone you’d never turn to when feeling vulnerable because some part of you just knows it isn’t safe.

That friend who always manages to leave a faint but definitely nasty taste in your mouth whenever you air kiss them goodbye.

And here’s the thing:

The *only* colour to get rid of is yellow.

The more authentic you allow yourself to be, the greener your world will become. Because green people show up for you when you show up for yourself.

And orange are important as well as inevitable. They test your resolve and highlight your principles. No one can get on with everyone they meet unless they bend to fit in. So the fact that you just don’t gel with some people is a good thing. It means you’re not compromising yourself.

The *only* colour to get rid of is yellow.

I’m not saying it’s easy. We fear orange because it’s uncomfortable to be challenged and we hate not to be liked. But it’s yellow who’ll break us.

This is not beceause they’re bad people, though.

It’s just because they’re not our people.

Ultimately, it’s our own falseness that does the damage. In a yellow relationship, we don’t dare be fully ourselves, because we’re afraid that if we do, we’ll find out that our “friend” is actually orange.

So, instead, we contort ourselves into a shape that isn’t right for us. And the longer we stay in it, the further from our selves we drift. And the more painful life will be.

So getting rid of yellow isn’t about rating your friends and culling those who don’t make the cut. No, you get rid of yellow is by choosing to step — completely, absolutely — into yourself and finding our who people really are.

The *only* colour to get rid of is yellow.

---

Thank you for reading!

We’re Hazel (ex boxer, therapist and author) and Ellie (ex psychology science writer). We left our jobs to build an interactive narrative app for self-awareness and emotion regulation (Betwixt), which you can try on Android here and on iOS here.

---