I don’t think anyone gets through life without being yellow or orange for others. All we can do is work on our own greenness (for ourselves, firstly). This story really changed my life when I heard it that first time 🤍
Can a person turn from being a "green" to being a "yellow"? From your definitaion, that doesn't sound likely, but I've experienced a person who was like family for over 25 years....then she hit the age that menopause may have affected her behavior, but she cut me off in an unexpected phone tirade, and then divorced her husband all in one fell swoop. I have no idea where she is now, or whether there's ever a chance for reconciliation. The marriage--which was solid, so the husband thought--is definitely over; she burned that bridge but good. It's still a puzzlement to me, as she had helped me through the death of my husband (her whole family had), and other difficult times. Any thoughts?
I’m sorry to hear you went through that. It sounds like this person went through something very difficult and, of course, everyone who knew her was affected.
I can’t speculate about that specific example, but people’s colours can absolutely change. To be someone’s green, we need to be honest with them *and also* feel like someone that they can be 100% themselves around. All sorts of things can get in the way of that — people change, situations change…. Ultimately, we often grow apart from those we’ve known a long time and this could result in a green becoming yellow/red. It’s no reflection on their worth or personality; it’s just the nature of human relationships.
It is also possible that she was never fully "green" with herself. I know many people who got married, had kids, etc. because it felt like they had to. Then one day they decide to drop all of it to live the life they always wanted.
Because I have anxiety, any time someone asks me, "when are you having kids?" I know the answer is that I'm not, because I most certainly am not the right person to do that if I'm still trying to take care of myself. (Got a puppy though and it nearly destroyed me 😅. He's getting better though.)
What I like about this is that it doesn't assign blame. That is such a big thing for me. I sometimes feel I've failed when a relationship ends, but this reminds me that since change is inevitable, people will grow apart, and as long as someone is safe right now, it doesn't mean they will always be safe, and no one can protect me but ME.
Just read this to my 16yo who is struggling with the yellow in her life. Both of us had a little aha moment on the amount of yellow we have around us right now.
A useful concept. My yellow friend is the one who says blithely, "Call me!" I'm always the one who's supposed to call. So of course I won't. She also has an off-putting habit of dissing people behind their backs. What is she saying about me? We were colleagues in former lives but there's no longer any reason to maintain this connection.
Hazel, this was on the mark this morning for me because of my Substack post today. I put out a longstanding, hurtful composition about emotional baggage I carry and have carried. I thought about it--a lot. I wanted to "talk" to my friends about it but I worried a little that there might be a few who would take it wrong, think perhaps I was citing beefs I had with them. But it was important to me. Very important. I needed to say it and have it heard and this three color theory--well, very true concept, actually--may come into play with me. But I have prepared myself for it and over the last year or so I have been wrestling with The Yellow. And yes--they have to go for the sake of my peace and happiness. Anyway--Thanks
I love this so much! It isn’t about getting rid of people, but allowing yourself to be you and letting the people who don’t accept you choose to go away. It isn’t about them…it’s about you. It is so important to be comfortable in your own skin, or else you open yourself up to manipulation and being used.
Having said goodbye to a 40-year friendship almost a year ago, you literally just blew my mind with this post. I knew I needed to say goodbye but couldn't quite put my finger on why. Oh my goodness, green, orange and yellow. How simple and yet how profound. I had to say goodbye because she was yellow. <<Insert head emoji exploding here.>> This was golden. No pun intended.
This is so helpful. Thank you for highlighting this.
As an HSP and empathic person I have found myself opening up to ‘yellows’ and too often feeling vulnerable.
I’ve also had people I thought were green, and had felt very attached to. So when they ghosted me I felt it was all me.
I believe l have had many ‘orange’ friends and that why they disappeared when I no longer fitted with their lives the friendship ended without real reason.
Love this! I’ve definitely had a few yellows and oranges in my time, and probably been them as well!
I don’t think anyone gets through life without being yellow or orange for others. All we can do is work on our own greenness (for ourselves, firstly). This story really changed my life when I heard it that first time 🤍
Can a person turn from being a "green" to being a "yellow"? From your definitaion, that doesn't sound likely, but I've experienced a person who was like family for over 25 years....then she hit the age that menopause may have affected her behavior, but she cut me off in an unexpected phone tirade, and then divorced her husband all in one fell swoop. I have no idea where she is now, or whether there's ever a chance for reconciliation. The marriage--which was solid, so the husband thought--is definitely over; she burned that bridge but good. It's still a puzzlement to me, as she had helped me through the death of my husband (her whole family had), and other difficult times. Any thoughts?
I’m sorry to hear you went through that. It sounds like this person went through something very difficult and, of course, everyone who knew her was affected.
I can’t speculate about that specific example, but people’s colours can absolutely change. To be someone’s green, we need to be honest with them *and also* feel like someone that they can be 100% themselves around. All sorts of things can get in the way of that — people change, situations change…. Ultimately, we often grow apart from those we’ve known a long time and this could result in a green becoming yellow/red. It’s no reflection on their worth or personality; it’s just the nature of human relationships.
I hope that helps!
It is also possible that she was never fully "green" with herself. I know many people who got married, had kids, etc. because it felt like they had to. Then one day they decide to drop all of it to live the life they always wanted.
Because I have anxiety, any time someone asks me, "when are you having kids?" I know the answer is that I'm not, because I most certainly am not the right person to do that if I'm still trying to take care of myself. (Got a puppy though and it nearly destroyed me 😅. He's getting better though.)
That's a great story. Thank you for sharing it!:)
You’re so welcome!
What I like about this is that it doesn't assign blame. That is such a big thing for me. I sometimes feel I've failed when a relationship ends, but this reminds me that since change is inevitable, people will grow apart, and as long as someone is safe right now, it doesn't mean they will always be safe, and no one can protect me but ME.
That's exactly it. So well put!
Just read this to my 16yo who is struggling with the yellow in her life. Both of us had a little aha moment on the amount of yellow we have around us right now.
So glad to hear this is helping!
OMGosh this is amazing advice. I’m in love with your app, and this is such a sharply accurate way to “weigh” your relationships.
A useful concept. My yellow friend is the one who says blithely, "Call me!" I'm always the one who's supposed to call. So of course I won't. She also has an off-putting habit of dissing people behind their backs. What is she saying about me? We were colleagues in former lives but there's no longer any reason to maintain this connection.
Oh this strikes a chord!
Hazel, this was on the mark this morning for me because of my Substack post today. I put out a longstanding, hurtful composition about emotional baggage I carry and have carried. I thought about it--a lot. I wanted to "talk" to my friends about it but I worried a little that there might be a few who would take it wrong, think perhaps I was citing beefs I had with them. But it was important to me. Very important. I needed to say it and have it heard and this three color theory--well, very true concept, actually--may come into play with me. But I have prepared myself for it and over the last year or so I have been wrestling with The Yellow. And yes--they have to go for the sake of my peace and happiness. Anyway--Thanks
I love this so much! It isn’t about getting rid of people, but allowing yourself to be you and letting the people who don’t accept you choose to go away. It isn’t about them…it’s about you. It is so important to be comfortable in your own skin, or else you open yourself up to manipulation and being used.
Having said goodbye to a 40-year friendship almost a year ago, you literally just blew my mind with this post. I knew I needed to say goodbye but couldn't quite put my finger on why. Oh my goodness, green, orange and yellow. How simple and yet how profound. I had to say goodbye because she was yellow. <<Insert head emoji exploding here.>> This was golden. No pun intended.
This is so helpful. Thank you for highlighting this.
As an HSP and empathic person I have found myself opening up to ‘yellows’ and too often feeling vulnerable.
I’ve also had people I thought were green, and had felt very attached to. So when they ghosted me I felt it was all me.
I believe l have had many ‘orange’ friends and that why they disappeared when I no longer fitted with their lives the friendship ended without real reason.